Smiling Through Crushed Teeth

I was dead but someone dreamt of me. a nightmare so I stormed out, fell on the floor. I liked the idea, and kept away from sweet dreams. I only picked sleepers who would dream badly, I stalked them in the streets, wary, paranoid ladies or cranky old men, I’d go for children too, but I liked the atmospheric horror of adolescents nightmares. I was action-junkie ghost, I couldn’t get any better ecstasy by anything else: the vibration of the dreaming tanks ‘the soul’, the trembling, the horror, the horror,then being thrown away outside , never had it before so vivid and real, not even in life, not even in love.

Fellow ghosts would think that I cause bad dreams, ‘causing’ is a different form of pleasure dead people won’t have, dead people can’t create, or so I’ve been told, I said goodbye to my senses the moment I laid in my grave, I was out for passive material pleasures, without the five senses I was open to infinite possibilities, I’m the only ghost who had the guts to experiment, I’ve been told disturbing stories about ghosts being locked, in houses, in lockers, in bottles, and they were of the adventurous type, who says I’m adventurous? I’m hedonist, madly, neurotically, monstrously, hedonist, now my life was over, I’m dead and ready, openly, to taste the insanely frenetic bitterness of the darkness.

I wanted to ‘know’ why, how did it start, I’d say, it started with my ongoing feeling of discontent, a ghost friend approached and whispered: do you miss your senses ?

I puffed in his face so he went, was puffing all night until white, ugly smoke came from my mouth and positioned itself in the middle of the herd of ghosts I belong too. they said: would you please make the cloud go away, as you brought it?
– How?

– Just go inside it, shut off, ‘from the inside’.

The moment I entered it I was stunned with earth gravity, I fell, (and fell), into some dark hole, while falling I bite the darkness around me, it was like a spiritual roller-coaster no living would imagine, the vibration, the madness, and pleasure stopped when I was thrown, as a final moment of ecstasy, outside ‘something’.

I was recumbent on the floor. in what seemingly was human sleep chamber, I hovered in the air and looked, there was a bed, and a lying, trembling, freaked, horrified girl.

She was sweating and murmuring with her eyes closed, opened them (didn’t seem to see me). walked dizzily to the bathroom, I was ‘dragged’ unwillingly behind her, I was going insane with fear (if I’m ‘locked’?). the water streamed, she took a shampoo bottle, (written : PEACH). and scrubbed her hair, I was beginning to gain my freedom, I thought this was due to her getting more conscious.

Since then I’d try every living for entering his/her nightmares, the strength of pleasure obtained would vary, one night I was hanging like a helium balloon in the subway, late, 3:00 A.M, there wasn’t anybody in the trailer, then a middle aged man got in.

He seemed to me of the darkly-dreamer type, I followed him to his home, along the way he would turn and look behind, as if he sees me (and that was bollocks).

He was preparing for bed, when he turned off some freaky type of a bed lamp, that goes on/off, a second on, a second off, (and he would go asleep like this?). anyway I prepared myself to conquest.

Inside the ‘hole’, the roller-coasting was the freakiest, the hole wasn’t entirely dark, the light of the lamp was present and ‘vibrating’, never felt a vibrating light before.

He opened his eyes, and looked straight at me, and smiled viciously. I knew I’ve become locked, he was ‘evil’, his looks frightened me, the fact that he sees me (and I thought it’s ought to be the other way around).

The lock persisted for several days, and I sensed he’s keeping me for some cruel intention.

He works as a psychoanalyst, I’d be hanging over his head the whole day while he listened to his freak patients nonsense.

That day, the last patient entered session was ‘her’, she walked wearily, and sat, I laid eyes and ‘felt’ an utter tranquility, I was feeling very nimble, liberating slowly from some hideous grip, next, I was hanging ‘freely’ near the ceiling.

My lock is over, the psycho-wacko knew, he stormed and rotated around the room, was very upset that he dismissed her.

I followed her home.

I knew she was avoiding sleep, but I’d wait, if for eternity, I don’t trust anyone else anymore, she’d burst to tears sometimes, or lay on the couch with numb eyes staring at a silent television.

The days passed, I was a silent, polite and gentle ghost, I’d wonder now, what the hell is wrong with this lad, instead of ” when the hell will she sleep?”

She ‘fell’. on the couch after another psychopathic crying episode, she was very tired, tormented, sad, in pain, in despair, inside her nightmare-tank-hole, I felt some funny familiarity, the freak-show would begin, but I stretched my arms, trying ‘so hard, so hard’ to prevent the rolling-costing-freaking out.

I didn’t want pleasure, I wanted to focus on this ‘familiarity feeling’, I wanted stillness. I wanted to think.

The darkness inside the dream cleared out, I found a vast greenish landscape, there was something ‘soothing’, I saw her, she approached me and carried me in the palm of her hand, in her palm, there were cereals, I picked it with my beak, and ate.

I flied away, then flied some more, after looking at her sleepy smiling face, I left the house out of the window, I was hovering back to our darkness-habituated ghost herd, there, they let me walk further, with no one to stand in my way, they told me that I’ve eaten ‘guilt’, and I should throw it in a river at the end of the world.

There, after accomplishing my mission, I was able to ascend higher in the sky, there, I thought I had one of my senses back, I was smelling, vividly, really, smelling shampoo with peach odor. I’d hide away, isolated, to saturate -to the full- with my secret sense.



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