Understanding The Dynamics In The BDSM Relationship.
When it comes to the Master-slave dynamics in the relationship, the Master is always the one who chooses their slave, the course of the relationship, and the style of bondage and discipline; not the other way around. A genuine slave will never have the nerve to approach the Master on any given day or ask to be dominated or enslaved, he will never initiate that first big move; in fact, he might shrink in fear and run for the hills if he felt that the maze of the Master is too complicated for him that he would be lost at heart and never be found.
In the Female Led relationship, it is always the Lady’s choice. She sets her sight on the man of her liking, who might be another simple guy hiding in plain sight, wandering aimlessly in life, sometimes not aware of his own potentials. An age gap is essential to lord her domination on him, it is always better to be a few years his senior, and more advanced in life experiences so he would feel a bit inferior to her. It goes without saying that he is naturally drawn to older women, the ones with that motherly, gracious aura; for he is desperate to feel safe and secure glued to her large bosom, to the extent that he wants to go hide inside her womb. She doesn’t really have to make an effort, they will be naturally attracted to each other and follow one another like Lightning and Thunder. This feeling of inferiority is crucial and it is exactly what he craves, he wants her to be better than him, he loves to be beaten at his own game, if he is good at something, he wants her to challenge him and be better than him, if he is smart he wants her to be smarter than him, if he is handsome and good looking he wants his Goddess to look prettier than him, if he is an achiever, he wants his Lady to achieve much more than he did, basically he wants her to be his superior, so he would feel inferior, and there is where all his happiness lies.
“In the beginning of the relationship there will be power struggle, he will criticize the woman he wants because this is the only way he can deal with his feelings as someone used to bottle those feelings up all his life, so a wise woman should never take what he says to heart, it is a sign that his mind is gravely occupied with her presence that it functions oddly like a broken clock”
The submissive man puts too much effort to look and sound the exact opposite of who he is, and his approach to life and women is usually cultivated with sarcasm, hatred, and aggression, therefore, submissive men are easy to spot. You know that women-hater, misogynist, passive-aggressive loner? Well, he is the kindest, most fragile being ever, enveloped in black smoke, hiding in his own shell for the fear of getting hurt. He realizes how emotionally fragile he is, so he runs to the opposite side trying to pose as a total badass. One of his best kept secrets is how shy and insecure he is that he would never approach her, even if he is crazy about her, preferring to stay still in his man-cave waiting for his queen to grab him by the horn. In the beginning of the relationship there will be power struggle, he will criticize the woman he wants because this is the only way he can deal with his feelings, as someone used to bottle those feelings up all his life, so a wise woman should never take what he says to heart, it is a sign that his mind is gravely occupied with her presence that it functions oddly like a broken clock. This complex type is very rich on the inside and has so much love to give, but he is waiting for the right woman to step up and claim him as hers; when she does, he will blossom for her and open up. If the woman is wise enough, she can land such good, solid man if she is so good at reading into people. Have that man, and you shall be rewarded.
“He will travel to the end of the world if she sets his compass to the direction SHE wants, he will follow her lead, then it is a smooth sailing.”
Word on Rules
The submissive man was most likely born in a very strict family, he is a man of law and order, a law abiding citizen. He willingly chooses to follow a path of commitment and discipline in all aspects of life, as well as everything he does; from school to work to relationships with family, friends, and women. He is straightforward, honest and sincere, and obsessed with justice and fairness. This man will feel lost and desperate if the Femdom did not bring any rules into the relationship, or failed to draw the lines for him. He craves order and regulations so bad, not only about the mundane stuff but also about the concept of the relationship as a whole. Without discipline, he feels lost, desperate and disturbed that he will be willing to leave. He wants to know what are her likes and dislikes, what type of relationships is this, where is she heading with him, and so on. He wants to know exactly where does he stand from her and his position in the relationship, if his Queen did not provide him with a solid ground, it will be a source of anguish and agony for him. He wants her to set all the rules, to have the upper hand, and he is willing to please her, “If momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” He will travel to the end of the world if she sets his compass to the direction SHE wants, he will follow her lead, then it is a smooth sailing.
Oddly, rules and regulations have nothing to do with any list of Do’s and Dont’s, nor Bondage means shackles, ropes, chains or handcuffs. Domination is something that happens on the mental and psychological level, and if the submissive man is not willing to submit, no chains are strong enough to keep him grounded, and no iron ball, no matter how heavy it is, can prevent him from breaking free. Hence, the chastity belt is good for nothing if he doesn’t believe deep down his heart that he is the Mistress’ slave. If he really loves and worships her, he will carry her in his heart and will be wearing an invisible chastity belt and will never be able to approach any other woman.
“Imagine a man who has an intense fetish for Freedom, you can easily enslave him by offering him all the freedom in the world, so he will keep coming back to you because you are the only one who makes him feel free, the strength of his character is, paradoxically, also his greatest weakness.”
Enslaving someone can be done without any kink, being a Female Dominant has nothing to do with that leather suit, the spiky shoes, the whips, the chains, or the handcuffs. Such tacky picture has been implanted into the mass-subconscious by porn movies. When people think of a Female Dominant they imagine a woman stands in a black leather suit and spiky boots, holding a whip in one hand and taming a big mean Duberman with the other. This is so fake, even hilarious. A real Femdom does not need material tools in order to dominate. The leather suit is so theatrical, a stereotyped mental image for the freak show. No, Domination is about the way you carry yourself. If you feel like a Queen you will be treated like one. If you are sure of what you want, you will have it. It’s all in your head. Domination has nothing to do with kink, and a very profound, deep BDSM relationship can evolve and grow so well without the kink, as the domination starts with the brilliant mind.
By dominating the mind we are not referring to any sort of mind games or brainwashing tricks that lead to manipulate the beloved slave or hack his belief system. To dominate the mind is to discover his spiritual erogenous zones to fuel them with love and water them with care. A wise Femdom understands the fetishes her slave is after, and offers them to him. He wants something, and he is willing to sacrifice everthing to get that thing, all the Femdom has to do is to discover his G-Spot and hit it hard until he squirts.
Besides spanking, biting, scratching, blindfolding and the like, some men have a grand fetish for values and principles in life, an idol they worship, a fundamental truth or proposition that serves as the foundation for their system of belief or behavior or for a chain of their reasoning. Ironically; these values which are meant to set them free; enslave them and weigh othem down like a rusty iron ball shackled to their ankles. The values they have end up owning them, so they become lifetime slaves to their own idols. Some are soldiers, they want to be with a patriotic Femdom to feel more at ease in the relationship. Others are cultured and intellectual, they want to be with another well-read bookworm. Whatever their fetish is, they want to be with someone who can fulfill it. Offer whatever fetish your slave craves to him and he is yours forever.
Imagine a man who has an intense fetish for Freedom, you can easily enslave him by offering him all the freedom in the world, so he will keep coming back to you because you are the only one who makes him feel free, the strength of his character is, paradoxically, also his greatest weakness.
We will not go through any sexual details in this article regarding the techniques used between partners who are involved in a BDSM relationship. First; this series of articles is philosophical, it is not a manual book or some sort of S.O.P project, second; it is a matter of personal preference, some acts can be delighting and exciting for some people, and obscene and disgusting for others, so we will spare the details. After all, BDSM is an erotic behavior between consenting adults, everything has to be agreed upon.
To be continued…
This series of articles on the BDSM scene was inspired by and dedicated to the owners of Six Degrees Nightclub in Egypt and all its visitors and fans, the high profile nightclub has been shut down by the Egyptian government over performing a BDSM show by professional artists. Sex in art and entertainment is the most frequent target of censorship crusades. The Hermit will keep writing on that topic to honor and support freedom of offensive speech in the entertainment industry and the arts.